Boston, MA – The final step was reached in the steady decline of the former Boston Sports Guy following his move to Los Angeles when numerous eyewitnesses saw him sporting a red Kabbalah string bracelet, while having an avocado and ahi tuna salad at the uber trendy restaurant “The Ivy.”
This event led Massachusetts’ officials to formally decree: “The trappings of Hollywood have turned Bill Simmons, our once beloved Boston Sports Guy, into the type of person who we wish not to represent our state, our heritage and Red Sox fans. THus it is decreed he is no longer allowed to visit the great state of Massachusetts.”
Massachusetts residents and readers in general first started taking notice that Simmons was slowly shedding his Massachusetts roots and succumbing to the Los Angeles way of life when he decided to watch the game four of the 2004 WOrld Series in Los Angeles instead of Boston. Then he casually mentioned in a column that he missed part of game four due to a “Starbucks run.”
“Look, we all have our private moments when we do things we’re not proud of,” suggested East Cambridge resident Tommy Borges. “But to publicly admit to your fans and friends to have missed part of the most historic Boston sports event of our lifetimes to go to a freakin’ Starbucks? At least lie, and say it was a Dunkin Donuts. I guess that is what happens to you when you live in LA - you are willing to admit publicly that you've turned soft. What a fucking homo.”
Another longtime fan and Mass resident appeared not only upset with his turning soft, but also with the general quality of work appearing on his Website:
“Simmons used to always crack me up with his encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture and sports, his gambling problem, and things like the Ewing Theory,” commented Peabody native Gerry T. Lynch. “But with the constant stream of tedious NBA columns, the insufferable Intern Contest, and that lame ass cartoon, frankly, I’d rather spend my time rubbing one out to a naked picture of Hideki Matsui.”
Reader Sean Kelly of Taunton, Mass continued the piling on: "I don't think there has been a more disappointing day in my life when Simmons attempted to justify his purchase of Clippers seasons tickets. It's like I found out Tom Brady was a fag."
Bill Simmons is part of a long line of once notable Bostonians who became an embarrassment to their state once they ascended to a national stage, including Ben Affleck, Bobby Brown, and, of course, Michael Dukakis.
Through his agent, Bill Simmons issued the following written statement:
“I am sorry that so many of my fans and friends can no longer accept the life I now lead. With the recent birth of my child, I have found myself elevated to a different spiritual plane with different priorities and the teachings of Kabbalah have helped me through this transition and made me stronger. I am sorry that my former fans and fellow Massachusettsians can’t see beyond their archaic view of the world and life beyond being a Boston sports fan.
In an official ceremony scheduled for July 3rd, Mayor Tom Menino, will announce the official proclamation that the Sports Guy is no longer welcome within the state border of Massachusetts.
