10. The New York Giants are closing out games this year about as well as the Red Sox bullpen. As a fan of both teams, I am going to be admitted to Betty Ford faster than a freshly paroled Robert Downey Jr.
9. What was sadder watching the Packers/Cardinals game – witnessing the end of the Brett Favre era, or watching Emmitt Smith play out his career in Tempe, Arizona. I almost turned to Terms of Endearment over on TNT for a pick me up.
8. The “Michael Irvin Excessive First Down Celebration Award” goes to Patriots Wide Receiver Deion Branch. Branch celebrated a relatively routine first down reception against the Eagles with a dance routine reminiscent of Alvin Ailey's early work. Calm down, buddy. Imagine achieving a small goal at work and then running around with your fists pumping in the air screaming, “Yes! Yes! Yes?” Your colleagues would be petitioning you to return to the stain farm whence you came.
7. Is there nothing more pleasurable than watching the Raiders getting their ass kicked on national television last Monday night and, now that the music has stopped, knowing there are fans all over the Bay Area dressed up like extras from The Lord of the Rings looking at themselves in the mirror wondering where their lives went wrong?
6. Sebastian Janikowski: The Daryl Strawberry of the NFL. Just as utterly unpredictable. Just as stupid. And usually outdoes himself just when you think he might have his act together.
5. With Patriots players going down faster than George Michael at a West Hollywood rest area, Bill Belichick is going to further regret releasing Lawyer Milloy. New England will miss Lawyer not only for his leadership, but also for his dedication to the Bling. He looks good in fur.
4. What’s the over/under on the number of times a day Kansas City Chiefs’ players mock Dick Vermiel’s uncanny knack tearing up every time he feels the slightest hint of emotion. After a relatively meaningless week one victory, Dick Vermeil breaks down crying presenting a game ball to the Chief’s GM. If there is no crying in baseball, then certainly there is no crying in football.
3. Bill Walsh has officially overstayed his welcome in San Francisco. He doesn’t get along with Steve Mariucci, so he brings in Dennis Erickson? Was he looking for a drinking buddy? “You know, Benicio del Toro, you’re good for the part but you kind of bug me and Judd Nelson is available so I’m going to have to ask you to step down. Thanks.” At least “T.O.” appears to be handling their string of crippling deafeats well.
2. The Panthers are this year’s version of the 2000-2001 Ravens with the winning combination of an incredible defense, a solid running back and a serviceable quarterback who doesn't make stupide mistakes. The difference being that John Fox is a great guy who is easy to root for as opposed to Brian Billick who makes Narcissus seem like a Milquetoast.
1. 1,000,000,000 to 1. The odds on Maurice Clarett ever uttering the following sentence: “Once I’m done with football, I plan on returning to school to finish up my degree.”
